How Do I Keep the Faith When I’m So Damned Angry

Oct. 25th 2015 Dear Clay, While taking my walk at the park this morning on this crisp fall day, I started praying and reflecting on the letter I would write to you as your Confirmation sponser. When I write I always think in terms of themes or a choosen word and then focus my thoughts on that. Today as I prayed the word that kept popping in my head was "fruits". And why?, I think it was seeing the beautiful colors of the leaves on the tree which lead my to the thought of apples. Trees, apples, fall, prayer, ....you are probably wondering by now, where is this all leading. Well, the other night at the confirmation meeting what really struck a chord with me was the message of the gifts and fruits of the Holy Spirit that we are given when we receive our Confirmation. An apple tree is a gift we are given by God. Now how do we produce fruit?? We have to nurture our tree. We are given gifts of the Holy Spirit, but in order to make the grow and produce we have to nurt...

So for a long time, meaning many many years, my normal consisted as taking care of Dick's needs for his daily life and taking care of my two young grandsons. Now that Dick has passed and the boys have both started full time school, which happed a month ago, it is time for me to figure out my "new normal". I have felt very paralyzed this month and somewhat pressured to figure this out because doing "nothing" does nothing for me. Last week I had some positive action. I received a call from I woman I met at my dad's golf outing in July who hires people for Tri Health doctor offices. She actual told me of a full time job opening up in a month. She thinks I would be a great fit. I will still need to go through the normal hiring procedures but I already know I am qualified. I also started attending the new grief meetings that started up again two weeks ago and this week we talked about what we are doing for ourselves to make us feel better. I shared ho...

I know and it is true that everyone of my friends and family mean well; they have my best interest at heart. Everyone I have ever surrounded myself with or have let into my life are the best of the best darn people. I love them all very much, if ever I questioned anyone or their motives I would have cut them out of my life. While talking to my sister today, realizing I was starting to complain I came to the conclusion that these people only said these things because they do care about me. The unsolicited advice issue, happens to us all. Sometimes people think if you are sharing a problem you invited them to give their opinion. The things I'm talking about were three separate incidents that occur just this week. The first one was a random message on my phone from a dear friend regarding a job she had heard about. No big deal really because she did said if you aren't interested just disregard. the only real reason I took offense to this is because she called from my ...

Dick loved to play cards and was good at it, loved to talk about what he last read, talk about last movie he saw. I was always impressed by his positive outlook and minimizing his physical problems. Dick loved flight and went to several Dayton airshows, this was a huge daylong undertaking but he was a trooper and made it easy to bring him along. One year it was extremely hot and humid, Dick didn't do well in that environment but he was not to be deterred. I still remember pushing him into the C5 jumbo cargo plane to avoid the sun. Dick then proceeded to fascinate me with his knowledge of the plan and its capability. Maybe in retrospect he was making sure he shade in the shade w/o knowing it. The air museum at Wright Patt was one of his favorite places and we would load his van up with kids and go there and again I was surprised at his knowledge and memory of so many different planes. One year he even arranged for our group to go inside a B17-B24 and several fighter planes, wh...

Dear Kath, Many times in the last 5 years I have asked myself this question. Everyday is another series of battles. I'm not just feeling sorry for myself - it's just a fact of life as it is for me now. I only think this way usually after we have had a bad fight and I never think about it for very long. I go on living because of you and the kids. I can't stand the thought of leaving you all alone - of being seperated from you and them. I couldn't stand not being able to talk to you or touching you. I would miss watching our kids grow up - seeing and playing with our grandchildren. I don't want to miss all the things we want to do together that we have not done yet - traveling to different places and seeing and doing new things.Letter from Dick to Kath 1992 I sometimes think about all of the things I would have missed if I had died when I fell. I wonder if it would in the long run - have been better for you and the kids if I had died. I know that at first it w...

Recently I attended a fund raising event where I knew very few people. A man just about my age, came and sat down next to me and we started to do the introduction dance. He seemed rather sad and down, which was a bit awkward but people had been drinking and it happens. So being observant I asked why he seemed so down, and he asked if I had any children and if they had ever moved away. I said as a matter of fact I have three grown children who have all grown up, went away to college and are now moved out in three different states. He just looked at me and continued that the reason he was so sad is that his two grown children were had both moved out, moved away and one is away serving in the Navy. My first thought and I said, you should be such a proud parent!!! As we talked and the conversation unfolded I revealed that I was recently windowed after a 35 year marriage and that I had been a caregiver to my husband who just died of pneumonia after being quadriplegic for the last 28 yea...