How Do I Keep the Faith When I’m So Damned Angry

To my brother and sisters. Please accept my apology for going back to my addiction. Again I took my family for granted. I may never get recovered from this disease. I may and could end up like Paul. Though I am always with Christ. On a good note I am at River ***** Rehab. It is a very strict program. We do treatment 16 hours a day, 6 hours of sleep. Our core philosophy is (Acceptance) you can get kicked out of here for having your shirt untucked or your bed not made. It is mostly for behavior modification. I still won't give up on my recovery. I am very resiliant. I might fail again and again, but we all must continue to support each other. We are all human and this disease could strike any of us, God forbid. If you decide not to have anything to do with me, I will be fine, and I will always pray for you. In Jesus, If you want to write: Right now I'm working on helping me, I have to learn and teach myself to concentrate caring for me, not you and not my brother...

I am still a little leary about how alive I feel. I have always felt that if I am too happy something bad will happen, but then I pray and move on. I last told you that I was with my brother and that maybe he needed to connect with family, well I was wrong, very wrong. He knew will we were together that he was going back to prison but you would never know that by his behavior except that he did seem a bit nervous in the car. I was taking him to have a urine test because he has been on probation and that was part of his terms, little did I know that he was setting me up just to have someone on his "goodside" while he is locked up. Not this time! I am really tired of being used, of enabling him. His hearing is tomarrow morning and I along with the rest of my family feel that if he sees us their he will think that we are supporting him again, and what I mean by that is monitary wise. We will never stop supporting him as a family as far as love and prayer but the sending...

I am wondering if I am alive. I am starting to feel again. I have not felt this for four to five years I can;t remember how many years it's been but whenever I had my breakdown in Fl. I have been dead for so many years, and have not wanted to be alive. I cannot tell you what has happened but all of I sudden I want to live life again. I want to do things and feel again. I am scared because I don't know if this feeling is going to last. I am afraid that I will wake up and want to die again. I know that there is so much to live for and then again I think it would be easier to just be gone. I know that this all sounds absurd but I go through so called "normal life" and then not being able to cope. I need help and prayers. I know that the world needs peace, and in mass today, the readings were about being a person that can bring peace to Earth. I would just love a little peace in myself. I was with my brother yesterday and really struggled weather to call him ba...

I was having a difficult timing holding things together today. The crying at a drop of a hat was back in spades. I do this when things go wrong and I feel that I am lossing control of every aspect of my life. But I went to church this morning and it was the day of the Holy Trinity. WOW! what an awesome mystery, three Gods in one. Or as I choose to look at it, more power looking down on me to help me through my day. When I got home I was still feeling down and feeling if I don't pull it together, wait a minute, I have to pull it together, I can not fall apart, who would pick up the pieces?? So I realize once again that God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are all on my side pulling for me and there for me to lean on....forever....Amen!

You know it's funny, life is funny. I think I should be really upset about something and I find that that is not necessarily the case because something happens and turns things around. The other day my brother was released from prison. The entire family has been worried about him pulling it together and getting his feet back on the ground to start a new life. And, can he start a new life, who would give him a chance?? It turns out I have friends that I could turn to to ask if he would consider hiring my brother for a job. This was not an easy thing to ask of some one, actually I was reluctant to let anyone know that I had a brother in prison. Not only did he say yes, he thinks the world of ME! I must say that I was somewhat surprised by this information. I am not being modest just honest. I try to just live a good, hardworking life. I never thought that anyone noticed what I do. But now this information has turned my life, I want to reach out to others about living a good honest li...

I told you that it would take quite some time to get you caught up on my life. That is because I am not very consistant at blogging or journaling. Sometimes I blog, sometimes I journal. Well none the less, I have been very busy the last three months with a new little grandson named Aiden. He along with grandson #1 Gabe, are the light(s) of my life. Today Aiden and I are watching the snow fall, it just keeps coming down. And if you know anything about Cincinnati weather, we were just at the park Monday taking a walk in 60 degree weather. We have other things planned for today too, bottles, play toys and NAPS. Aiden is the son of my daughter Jackie and her husband David. Little Aiden was born on his dad's 25th birthday, what a gift!! OOOps, I hear someone calling me...coming Aiden..or was that Dick calling me????

It's late, it was a tough day, a tough last 5 days. My brother Paul has passed away. I am not sure what that means, passed from this Earthly existance maybe. All I know is that Paul is gone and I will never physically see him again. I have many memories of Paul as being a great and gentle troubled soul. I know that Paul is with our savior Jesus Christ. I also know that Paul is in the arms of my older brother Mark, who died Dec 27th of 1979. I know they are together. I find comfort in knowing that two brothers are together. I have missed Mark for many years, losing another brother is so very difficult. I loved him so much, I worried about him so much, I know now that he is safe, and will never hurt again.