How Do I Keep the Faith When I’m So Damned Angry

Good Morning, This morning has been tough, really tough. I was the aid on duty for Dick last night, he had a rough night with a lot of coughing. This morning his blood pressure was high which not too unusual. But Dick had such a sad look in his eyes. I asked him what was going on and he told me that he didn't want to go on like this anymore. I asked him what he meant, he did not want to going on living, which he has expressed on other occasions. I then tried to point out all the good things in his life, but do you know what, I understand where is is coming from. if I were to put myself in his shoes would I feel any different? How difficult would it be to have the same routine everyday in the same place? Yes, we do try to shake it up a bit, but I don't know that we are doing enough. How do you keep someone happy that can do nothing for themselves? I am not sure how to change things for him or to make his life any better, I do know that I am going to try to keep an up-b...

To look at me you'd probably see a semi normal looking woman of 53 of average weight and height in good health. That is how I see so many different people, "on the surface". But if we look a little deeper, take the time to listen and hear their stories we find that thing are much different than the outward appearances. We can live through tragic experiences and move along day by day. Sometimes it only take another tragedy to open the wound up wide. The troubles in life never happened to my body personally, but to the people I love. You would never know the pain deep in my heart without knowing me well, talking to me or reading what I write. As a child I was always very sensitive to the hurts of others. When my siblings were punished I would feel their pain. I was a volunteer with handicapped children during everyone of my summer vacations from the age nine until I was eighteen. I loved working with kids who needed my help. I know people in our community know ...

I read an article today that was on the front page of the Enquirer about a man who had mental illness and died alone of starvation. In the article it was trying to figure out who was to blame for the mans untimely death. He was under the care of a couple organization to help and check in on him for his mental illness condition. Only living relative was a sister that lived far away. As I read it I felt sad about the whole story because the organizations seemed to do everything right, checking in on him, taking food to him, etc. The sister was trying to make sure he had the helped that he needed to survive. He did not want to live with the sister, she could not force him to. The organizations that check on him saw that he was losing weight but they could not force him to eat, he said he was eating and that he was doing ok. I believe we are all responsible for others on this Earth, related to us or not. Maybe just a kind word, or to reach down and pick something up for someone...

Today I am just writing to Praise God! We are in a good place! Although Dick still has 24 hour a day nursing and is confused most of the time, he is healthy, and I praise God how far we have come in the last year and a half. Going from The MICU at University Hospital and being resuscitated to home and virtually no health issues, we have so very much to be thankful for. I am not in denial and no that this static can change at any time, but I have learned over the years to take it one moment at a time. With everything that has happened over the years I have learned that this is not my plan but the plan of God. Not that he brings bad things to our lives but we will have challenges and God provides us with the tools to get through them. I may not always pick up on the tools because sometimes I just not in the right place to listen or hear, but they are here non the less. So, for this moment I am going to sit back and enjoy the place I am at, because we are in a good place!! Thank y...

This week has been very emotional. It started Tuesday evening with a call from my brother Jim. The last time I heard from Jim was 2 weeks ago when he showed up on my door step wanting money so he would not be homeless. I usually hesitate before I answer a phone call from Jim. I picked up, he informed me that he had just found out that his AA sponser was found dead from a suicide the night before, could I call and tell Mom & Dad. So sad, he did not want anything from me but an ear. Later in the week, after dropping my grandson off at preschool, I get a disturbing call from my sister Julie. She says Kath, turn on the news there has been a shooting at the local High School, the school where our father worked as a vice principal for 35 yrs, where my husband and sons all went to school. So terribly sad, a self inflicted gun shot wound with an attempted in front of the boys class. Turns out the boy is the nephew of very close friends of ours. This just happened to be what wou...